I don’t know what it is.. It’s a shade I guess.

Every emotion, every feeling has got a name. Happiness, fear, love , hate, phobia and list never ends.

But I guess..there’s not a word about how I feel. 

Sometimes, it’s normal. Everything appears to be normal. It happens with everyone kind of thing. Perhaps, even that normal is abnormal. Deep inside, it seems frustrating. Why everything’s so normal? 

I see an object. Example, my phone. It appears useful,  most useful device ever invented. But at the same time, it appears a disease. It looks like I’m not using phone. The fucking phone is using me, exploiting me, chaining me and whatever worst happens in my world is ’cause of this device. I feel like throwing it away and suddenly, I remember it’s usefulness.

It’s not just the case of a phone. It’s with everything. I want to be with things, crave when they’re not with me and equally, I want to leave everything as it is and let them for their damnation. 

It feels bad to see someone hurt, even if that person is unknown or an enemy. But sometimes, it feels good to see hurt, to see others being uncomfortable ’cause we feel that every moment. They should understand it and face it too.Everyone has a devil inside, a dark shade. It’s mine I guess.

Hatred suffocates me, I feel hate for 99.99% of humanity alive. Then suddenly I realize that I hate for imperfections. I seek for perfectness and that’s nowhere. I like people. But ultimately, I end up hating things and conditions.

Sometimes , I feel it’s with me , inside my mind. Nobody else can feel it, and even if they do, not to the extent I do.

I don’t know what to name my feeling. I cannot even write it in my words. Or can I? And I’m just afraid to be called a cynic if I’ll tell what i feel. I feel it every time, every second , every moment. 

I guess naming it is not necessary, neither judging it. It’s my perception. Everyone has their own.

It’s mine, it’s going to be with me till the moment I am. I guess so.


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