Channa Mereya.. How it became one of my all time favourite songs. 

Nishchay Playing Live.

Few days back,  I performed with my band  Nishchay at Rishikesh Art and Film Festival, 2017.

We played a set of songs. And I must tell you that being live is the best feeling possible for a musician. Personally, I love all the songs we perform but the one I loved the most during that show was Channa mereya from movie ADHM. 

I’ve been in love with this song since the first time I listened to it. The lyrics are beautiful, the music is soothing , vocals are soulful enough to make you remember your heartbreaks. So in brief, it has every ingredeint perfectly mixed to form a catchy favourite heartbreaking track. 

Here, I’d like to share the story of my introduction to this song and how it became so personal for me .

 Few months ago, I was travelling to somewhere (let me mintain the suspense) . It was a night travel, I was going by bus and was sitting on the window seat with my headphones on.(Yes, the perfect location for deep introspections. ) 

I played channa mereya randomly on an app.  It was on top charts then and instantly, I loved the song too. I played it again, again and again . Then, it just got played on a loop itself. I guess for more than couple of hours, I continued listening to this song and at that time I guess , channa mereya entered inside me. (I am a musician, I soak music)

Later on, that journey got fruitful.  I got to spend one of the best days of my life and this song became an inseperable part of that memory. 

Now, even  after months, it still feels good whenever I listen to this song. Whenever we perform it live, I feel nostalgic. I am taken back to that journey. I feel myself sitting on that window seat and yes.. some other memories as well. (human mind runs fast, it never stops at one memory ) 

And how can I forget mentioning these lines .. Kisse hamare nazdikiyo ke kam to nahi hain…!! 

And let me admit now,  I wasn’t on a normal trip that night, I was going to meet someone.(blushing and smiling continues… ) 

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Reflection 

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#REFLECTION 

I love this sight. A series of lights on that oppposite side and their reflections upon Ganga river. 

It didn’t make sense in childhood days so much, but now I believe in this place. I believe whatever or however you are, Ganga reflects it. Whatever I seek, it shows that to me.  

We have everything inside us, intellingence, calmness, hopes and everything else. This place just reflects that back to me . Its simple. 

The serenity in the winds is soft and strong at same time. If you’ll be able to mix yourself with this sight, you’ll feel a deep introspection entering inside you. 

If you’ll seek peace, it’ll deliver peace inside you. 

And that’s the beautiful thing . Whatever you seek, you find it here.  

Believe in your reflection. 

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Its You. 

Its not the world that’s uncomfortable to live, its you only. Its you, who hate everything about world and find imperfections in everyone and everything. Its your judgemental nature. 

Its your attitude of self importance as if everything in the world gives a damn to you and everything that happens is against you in the end. Its not like that, its just your perception that everything revolves around you but in real nobody gives you a fuck. Those who give, are already there for you. 

Its your mind who forces you to act as if you’re the hero of your life’s movie and you have to keep the fight going on so that you may achieve happy ending. 

Its you who doesnt understand that you’re a mere spot in this universe and not the centre of it. 

Its you that hurts you. 

It is not the sunrays that hit your face and burn your skin, its your choice of not wearing helmet while driving. 
Its not her, not her nature that hurt you inside, it is your mind’s combination of insecurities, overthinking and overexpressiveness. 

Its not your parents forcing you to do things, its your behavior for them and lack of responsobility. Its overthinking of worldly pressure that your shoulders are under the burden of whole world and an insecurity about even yourself that leads to rebellions. 

Its not your teacher’s strictness, its your thought which dominates you and restrains you to ask questions because everytime you want to do anything, you think of how your friends will react. What will the world say about you. 

It’s you. You’re the problem. You’re the reason for all the troubles around you. You cannot blame things or situations, you have to put that blame on you. You must do that. 

You do not believe in yourself. You are the only impediment in the way to your freedom. Its YOU. 

Tired. 

Tired. 

Yes, I’m tired of this same old feeling. I’m tired of love. 

I’m tired of waiting for you to wake up till morning and that single good morning text. I’m tired of your inexpressiveness.

 I’m tired of being afraid of losing you. Did you get that? I’m tired of being afraid of losing you. 

I’m tired of waiting for you to want me the way I do. I know that’s not going to happen for that’s worthless. 

Its like craving for kissing moon and wanting you to crave for kissing moon too. I know its idiotic. I’m tired of being idiot. 

 I was insane earlier. I’m insane now but for you. I want to feel that old carelessness, that recklessness, that irresponsibility. I’m tired of being responsible. 

How can I miss this sleeplessness ?  I’m tired of sleepless nights, of awkward internet surfings, of that shitty Instagram and 1GB data limit of jio. 

Sometimes, its all wonderful and all of a sudden, I feel hatred for everything. I hate this tiredness. I hate this pain that rips me off. 

I am tired of this Melancholy that continues until you end it. 

I’m tired of this dependency. I’m tired of loving you. 

And I know, nothing of above written things are going to matter. I may be tired of loving you but it doesn’t mean I’m  going to stop loving you. I cannot. 

I’m tired of myself. 

Envy and hate. 

I hate you. I envy you.  

I hate your pride of being strong. I want to see you hurt, to see you feeling what I feel. I want you to be insecure of losing me. I envy your strength. I hate the fact that you’ll survive in this destruction of emotions and I’ll be demolished. 

I hate that you’ll survive it like you did in your past and I won’t be able to love again coz’ this is my first one. 

I hate that you won’t stop me from leaving and I’ll return to you everytime myself and won’t let you leave either. 

I hate that I don’t sleep at nights and you enjoy your healthy sleep.  I hate that you stay calm and I wonder frustrated. 

I hate that I changed. I was you once and you were you. As the time passed, I became something else and you remained same. I became obsessed. You stayed carefree. 

I know you feel and are able to control things. I hate that you’ll control emotions for sake of practicality.  I hate that control. 

I hate that you possess freedom and I’m loving these boundaries. 

At last, I don’t hate you. I cannot hate anything about you. I don’t hate myself. I hate time, circumstances, emotions, everything else in the world but you and me. I love you. I love myself as well. 

Don’t Feel Proud 

Don’t Feel Proud 

That you can make me feel

The way nobody else can. 

You can grave a wound on my back

And I won’t slap you back. 

Don’t feel proud that

I’m steel for the world 

But a piece of clay for you. 

I’m not even afraid of death

But afraid of letting you go. 

Don’t Feel Proud that

You’re able to light my world 

Or set it on fire with a single word.

Dont feel so proud. Do not. 

I won’t let it heal

What is it? 

A self made Melancholy?  I guess. 

Can it be cured? No, but it can be avoided.

No,  it’s a wound.  A wound on my left forearm. 

It does not bleed itself, it doesn’t heal either. 

Stop lying to yourself !! It starts heeling every once in a while 

You scratch it yourself. You peel it’s skin. 

Yes, I do. I don’t let it heal. 

Stupit wit, Don’t you know how good it feels when it hurts? 

You can never imagine the pleasure, the ecstasy when 

I dig my nail in it, and the red droplet oozes out 

and I get what I love; a halucinating pleasure and the ink for my poetry

You’re stupid brain. You don’t know love. 

I won’t let this wound heal. 

For without it, I Shall be so idle ; a void with nothing but vacuum, 

And there’s no solace in idleness, 

I love this combat with thoughts, 

It is my wound and  I won’t let it heal. 

I’m waiting for something. Infection. A fatal infection. 

That’s what I’m waiting for. 

I’m waiting.